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Dumb Ass Lists :: Vintage Toys That Made Boys Gay

Tuesday Mar 31, 2015

We're not talking Teletubbies and Dora as an Aquapet, boys. If you're over 30 and you played with these toys, they're the reason you're gay today. Full stop.


The Daddy Saddle

The Daddy Saddle

The king of all inappropriate toys, the Daddy Saddle was an ill-conceived offering manufactured by Kenner in the 1960s - and is still around in some forms today. Some of you out there had one (don't be shy) and some of you are right now leaving this publication to load up eBay and find one as a gift to your older man-friend.


Gay Bob

Gay Bob

The original... the best... the strangest. Gay Bob hit the shelves in 1977 thanks to advertising executive Harvey Rosenberg. Bob was indicative of the trade of the time, clothed in cowboy boots and a flannel shirt - and was packaged in (yep) a closet. He was also anatomically correct.


Superman Snuggler

Superman Snuggler

We all wanted to be the Man of Steel - but it's almost as good to have a full-size torso of the hunk to sleep with. Especially when the packaging urges you to "stuff" him, then throw him on your bed to play with.


Oo-Larr Action Figure

Oo-Larr Action Figure

OK, the whole He-Man franchise was already uber-gay, but Oo-Larr - "the jungle He-Man" - took homoeroticism to a new level. Buff and wearing a loincloth that didn't quite cover his glutes, Oo-Larr was He-Man for the Gay-Man. In fact, you probably don't even want to look this one up on eBay; vintage models are too costly for a gag gift. (BTW, there's another dude from the He-Man franchise named Fisto - no comment.)


Clackers

Clackers

So Clackers were basically ben-wah balls on opposite ends of a string; kids in the 70s would swing the balls together and make a "clacking" noise, hence the name. But seriously: this looks like a sex toy under almost any circumstance. Sorry, kids: they're hard to find, as they were banned in 1985 after a number of kids swung their balls too hard, shattering them and spewing acrylic shrapnel all over the place.


Earring Magic Ken

Earring Magic Ken

In 1993, Mattel polled young girls, who said they thought that Ken should be "cooler." This stereotypical gay doll was the result: Ken reimaged as a club kid, replete with purple glitter see-through shirt, diamond earring and a necklace sporting what can only be described as a cock ring. The doll was a huge success, selling to gay men everywhere until Dan Savage ruined the party by simply calling him "Queer Ken."


The Billy Doll

The Billy Doll

For you younger chaps, the Billy Doll no doubt was your jam in the late 90s. While not the first gay doll (See Bob above), he has the distinction of being the first openly gay doll marketed to multiple gay stereotypes (remember, Ken is technically "straight"). For example, we have Cowboy Billy, Master Billy, Sailor Billy, San Francisco Billy, and of course, Billy's Puerto Rican boyfriend Carlos. The party pretty much ended when Billy donned drag in the 1999, then was sued in 2001 by UPS when he decided to deliver packages in a curiously reminiscent brown uniform.


Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barbershop

Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barbershop

Pop a tiny head that strongly resembles a dildo onto a barber chair, then crank the lever and Play-Doh shoots out the scalp. We have to admit we still want to play with this toy today. As in right now.


Bonus: First Love
  (Source:Ernesto Padro Campos)

Bonus: First Love

The good news, of course, is that if you're raising a fey boy today, you don't have to resort to saddles (save those for the Black Party). There are plenty of gay toys coming out of the closet at toy stores near you. Our favorite, of course, is "First Love," launched by Joey Versaw in the UK. They're hip, they're 3D-printed, they're anatomically correct, and they're fully articulate. All of which means your son can hang a disco ball, pump the house music, and play with dolls the way we all wanted to in our youth: by emulating a back-room orgy under his bedsheets.


Dumb-Ass Lists

This story is part of our special report titled "Dumb-Ass Lists." Want to read more? Here's the full list.


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